Friday, January 9, 2009

A Mother's Guilt is Never Done

I consider myself a fairly mentally healthy person, however, this motherhood thing affords such opportunity for guilt. After a week of: a new daycare schedule, a doctor's appointment, the kids discovering our kitchen cabinets and their exciting, throwable contents, Christmas boxes to be packed, I could feel it--a sour mood spiraling into....

"Why didn't Hubby put the toys away? He was up ten minutes earlier than me!"

"Bear, do you have to shriek so loud?"

...self pity:
"My back is so stiff. I'm getting old."

My husband, attempting to cheer me up, reminded me of a time when I didn't know if I would have kids, where this type of scenario would be a dream come true. I wasn't feeling it.

I finally cracked this morning when the kids' babbling and shrieking made me miss an important segment on the Today show---hopes for Michelle Obama revitalizing a sagging fashion industry. Standing in the kitchen, hair a mess, pajamas mismatched, I needed her style, her cool, her J. Crew ensembles. Because maybe, just maybe a little bit would rub off on me. But, alas, it was not to be, and in frustration, the "F" word slipped right out of me (loudly I might add). I was done. Finished. It was quiet, I turned to see two little faces looking up at me wide eyed from their high chairs, and I felt the guilt. Watching. Accusing.

"I bet Michelle Obama wouldn't do that."

A few minutes later, I received a call with an opportunity to leave the house for a few hours while J. (a trusted childcare person who now works at our office) watched the kids for the day. But as much as I had been wanting a break all morning, a sadness came over me when I thought of leaving them. Friday is my baby day. But as we spoke I heard the siren songs of Target and Costco (country moms are easy to please) and said "Yes". This time the guilt surprised me, it slipped in when I wasn't looking and took hold.

It turns out this opportunity is happening tomorrow instead, so I've had a chance today to sit and play with my children. Really play, not just pointing them in directions and letting them go. We all felt good. No shrieking, no clinging and no guilt.

I also ate a big bowl of popcorn and watched the Ellen show. C'mon, I'm not perfect!


Erin said...

Hope you have fun at Target miss T, i hope you know that You are a Fabulous Mom and you deserve to pamper yourself and get recharged!!! I will see you guys and those darling babies again very soon:)
Love, hugs and kisses!!! Erin

PS. couple of Cool websites to cheer you up...


Parenting site=

mauilulu said...

Yes, I agree with Erin. You do need to pamper yourself as often as you can. I think it is good to have some time away as it makes the heart grow fonder and you get recharged. Your darlings are absolutely adorable and I can't wait until I can come and see them. Lots of love to you